It has definitely been a while since my last blog post. I have been meaning to post more often but wedding season has been a bit hectic, plus training for my first half marathon next month, mixed with being a mom of two, the minutes just seem to disappear each and every day. As much I would like to say wedding season is going to start to slow down, the next 3 months are the busiest of the entire year. It becomes a lot to deal with as the years go and life with two kids becomes a little more crazy and schedules become busier. You begin to hit a wall, especially me. Busy schedules have never my thing, they give me a lot of anxiety because I am not able to see the smaller list and check things off one by one. I tend to see the ENTIRE todo list all at once and my brain begins to just shut down. My anxiety over the years has gotten worse and worse. I have tried many different things to help control it holistically, meditation, yoga, running, healing stones, teas, essential oils to name a few. I have been trying to figure out the root of the anxiety with each and every episode to help me heal with that particular one. Especially if it turns into a panic attack. Panic attacks unfortunately have been happening more often than not to say the least. It is hard, it is hard to not only deal with but to explain it to people who just do not understand. They don't know these feelings and emotions and just don't understand what is happening or how to help you. They try to help but when you don't understand it yourself they can only do so much. Sometimes just a shoulder to cry on and a cup of tea can be enough at that moment.
Within this last year I have found it harder and harder to work, I literally freeze and I am paralyzed with overwhelming emotions, anxieties, physical pain such as a constant and I mean constant headaches. Why am I paralyzed, I don't understand. I am going on my 17th year of doing weddings which means it should be a no brainer right? Second nature almost. But no. I freeze, my brain shuts down and I can not bring myself to write an email. Crazy right. I have found it hard now to go to events with crowds, the mall, busy restaurant, any place that has a lot of people in. Not only that, family gatherings are even claustrophobic, I can not breathe. Can not breathe. I get a tightening in my chest and a pounding headache rushes over me. Only my close family knows this happens to me, especially about my work. What is causing this? Well about 2 years ago I had a realization, I shared my thoughts with some people but they all looked at me like I was crazy. Lets be real though, I sounded completely crazy with the words I was saying.
Lets rewind for a minute, I have always been a spiritual person, I believe in spirits, ghosts, paranormal activity, I believe in reincarnation, clairvoyants, dreams being messages sent to us, mediums, and empaths. I have seen multiple psychics and mediums over the years and I have just registered for my first Past Life Regression (ability to see your past life through hypnosis). I am an open book for spirits. When I was pregnant with my daughter (she's almost 6) I started to notice a certain feeling I was getting, pressure on my upper back as if someone was pushing on me with a slight tingle almost. I also started smelling certain scents that reminded me of lost loved ones such as breeze of my aunts very specific perfume right in the middle of my living room all while be home alone. Scent is the strongest trigger for memory so spirits tend to use that as a way to get your attention. The pressure I was feeling in my upper back then started to feel almost like a burning sensation, then one day I was working in my studio and I felt someone pull the back of hair. There was no one or nothing behind me but the wall. Originally when this started happening I knew right away that it was my sister trying to get my attention. I had lost one of my sisters back in 2009 from mental illness. So every time I felt this pressure I would say "hi Julie". There wasn't a particular place this would happen although mostly in my kitchen I would feel it at first. When my daughter was 6 months old I lost my nana. So when I felt this intense feeling at that point I didn't know if it was my nana or sister so I would say hi to both. Going to certain places started to become challenging, there are specific rooms that had such strong energy in it that I couldn't breathe. My sisters basement I just finally went into over the summer for the first time in 3 years since she moved in. I couldn't walk into my mother in-laws bedroom because I strongly felt the presence of my father in-law. I had decided to see a medium to clarify what I was feeling or if I was just going crazy. I was told everything I was feeling was accurate but not only that, I was told I was an intuitive and I had medium capabilities. She told me spirits are around me at all times (like a party she said), not only of my loved ones, but the loved ones of the people that are around me. I came to accept this gift and I never felt fear from it all more of a comfort.
I had a moment about two years where I realized where this anxiety was coming from regarding my work. I read a lot about this, studies, reading article from mediums, psychics, and intuitives. It all started to make sense to me now. I had discovered that I was an EMPATH. I was taking on the energies from all around me including my brides. If you have ever planned a wedding or been a part of a wedding you understand the amount of emotions and stress that go into such a special day. I had a connection with all of them and whatever nerves or emotions that they were feeling, I as well was picking up on. Which is why I shut down now when it comes to working. These feelings I am picking up on are now stronger than ever, and the more weddings I have booked the worse I physically feel because I am picking up on ALL OF THEM AT ONCE. I can even feel their energy through email, which is now making impossible for me to even email someone back. The hardest part of all is when I am physically working on them because I am actually touching them, their face, and their hair which strengthens these feelings. With every sharp pain of nervousness they feel, it shoots through me x's 10. Paralyzing to say the least. I hide it, I fight it, and make my way through these emotions with complete joy that I was a part of such a special day for someone.
I have decided to take this gift and it's lessons and run with it. I love my work so I am not stopping doing makeup, but I am done with these emotions that I am allowing it to take over me. I am going to embrace it and try to understand what the spirit guides are trying to say to me. What messages they want me to share whether it is haunted buildings from spirits who have not crossed over, delivering messages to someone who has lost a loved one, or just trusting my intuitive visions and tarot cards. We have a special gift for a reason, mine just seems to be bit out of the norm is all.